Category Archives: Gurus/Teachers/Sages

#5242 – Scott Kiloby – Colin Drake – Miranda MacPherson

Edited by Jerry Katz

Scott-Kiloby-3x4-200x200
Photo: Scott Kiloby

51023
Photo: Lynn Fraser

On Nonduality Talk Radio, Wednesday, July 30, my guest will be Scott Kiloby. One of his senior facilitators, Lynn Fraser,  will be my co-host in the studio.

Listen wherever you are in the world at www.ckdu.ca at 12:30pm EST (New York). The show will be archived at www.nonduality.org for later listening and downloading.

We’ll be talking about the Living Inquiries, about which Scott says, “With the Living Inquiries, we naturally begin to experience a reduction or elimination of stress, anxiety, conflict and addiction. The deficiency stories that have raced through our minds all our lives (e.g., “I’m not good enough,” “I’m unhappy”) begin to quiet, providing a more easeful, compassionate, loving and peaceful experience.”

Live from the Kiloby Center: Half Day Natural Rest Workshop:

If you missed the recent Live Telecast by Scott from the Kiloby Center, the audio recording is now available for purchase.

In this 3½ hour audio, Scott explains and takes you through the new developments at the Kiloby Center that are helping people with addiction, anxiety, depression and spiritual seeking. The Kiloby Center is leading the way in the development of Scott Kiloby’s work, including changes in the Living Inquiries. Check out this audio to let Scott guide you experientially through the approach at the Center.

Price $25.00 LINK (if there are any problems downloading the link after payment, contact Nic Higham )


 

Combating Depression by Repeated Awakening
by Colin Drake

This article discusses the possibility that correct identification (awakening) has the potential to combat depression, by this taking place when one is not depressed and then using the first sign of a new bout of depression as a wake up call … see below.

To show that this is not just ‘pie in the sky’ here is an email exchange I had with someone who suffers from depression:

Dear Colin–how have you been?  Well, I hope.
Do you think identifying with Awareness is effective in treating depression? Seems so to me .
Warmly, John

Dear John, Very well thanks. I would have thought that correct identification would completely overcome depression. But I do not have any personal experience of this although it has completely obliterated my tendency to worry about the future … as Ramesh Balsakar says (in the title of one of his books) ‘who cares’? The only rider I would add is that it might be more difficult for someone who is depressed to realize that they are Pure Awareness, for they also might say ‘who cares?’ but with a different meaning. However, once the depression lifts (for I believe these come and go) the opportunity is equally there, and once an awakening has taken place then, if nurtured by repeated investigation, the ongoing signs of returning depression could be used as a sign that misidentification is occurring and spur reawakening … by investigation, or (when more established) by the simple realization that there is awareness of depression returning and deeper than the depression one is that Awareness! Love, Colin

Dear Colin
Thanks for your very perceptive email. I do have some depression and your comments seem precisely accurate. It does seem that, at certain depths of depression, awareness appears to be less apparent–even not available. One seems subsumed in the story of being a depressive.

There is an almost desperate effort to “get back to “Awareness in order to relieve the discomfort of the depression. Yes, there is definitely a red flag here to try to “remember” the Paradise Lost. Perhaps there is too much effort in this regard when the depression seems deeper. I shall try the suggestion in the last line of your email. Many thanks for your help.                 Warmly, John

Dear John, To continue the discussion I feel that you need to catch the first symptom that depression is returning and then undertake vigorous investigation into this experience, see attached, before any following of the depressive thought or story occurs. During this one needs to consciously identify with Awareness by completing the investigation into the properties of This and seeing the outcome of what is discovered. Then just witness any thoughts that follow this first symptom as clouds scudding across the sky of Awareness. This entails not following these thoughts or telling yourself a story about being depressed or a depressive. For as soon as we objectively label ourselves in any way misidentification has occurred, as (at the deepest level) we are never an object but the Conscious Subjective Presence in which all objects arise, abide are spied and subside.

I suspect that if one does not ‘nip it in the bud’ then remembering or trying to get back to Awareness will be futile whilst one is depressed. However, nil desperandum for once the depression lifts the investigation can be carried out successfully and then held in reserve for dealing with the first symptom of the next bout. Love, Colin

If this procedure is assiduously carried out then the frequency of returning bouts will decrease for these are fed by their own ‘success’ and if they are nipped in the bud then this cycle is interrupted. The more they are ‘starved’ the less potent, and frequent, they will be. Also, if between these bouts one identifies with, and as, Pure Awareness then one will tend to feel so good that this will lessen the chances of them re-occurring. One other thing is that one always is Pure Awareness so even during one of these bouts, if one has been unsuccessful at nipping it in the bud, it is still the case whether one can feel it or not and whatever levels of discomfort there are … So there is no need to search for it, achieve it or ‘get’ it for awareness is always present … even if it is awareness of depression!

Here is the continuation of our email correspondence after I had sent John all of the above:

Dear Colin
Many thanks again for your advice.  There is definitely a bodily feeling upon the beginning of depression. Thus there are telltale signs which can warn us to apply some of the inquiries you have written about. It would be so helpful is there was a way to offer effective approaches for those in the deeper levels of depression. I wonder if there have been any studies done on this.
I have a friend who is a scientist at the National Institute of a Mental Health specializing
in depression. Would you mind if I forward your emails to him?          Warmly, John

Dear John, No problem, although I suspect he might find the whole approach somewhat ‘off the wall’. He would need to read Beyond The Separate Self and understand this first. Let me know how you get on with carrying out investigation as soon as the bodily feelings start. Even if this proves to be impossible I suspect that the more you can identify with, and as, Pure Awareness whilst you are not depressed the less often the bouts will be. Love, Colin

This last point is alluded to in the first email where John says “Do you think identifying with Awareness is effective in treating depression? Seems so to me.” For John has been carrying this out for some time and it has obviously been helping …

To wrap this up here is the end of our email discussion:

Dear Colin–Thank you for this article. It has helped me rethink my practice related to depression.  It is good to have a process that one knows has been effective and, therefore, can be again. This provides hope. I am not at all convinced that some kind of guided meditation audio might not be helpful for even those in deeper levels of depression.     Warmly, John

Dear John, A few further points which I hope may prove helpful. I don’t think classical meditation, where one concentrates on a thing (mantra, symbol, deity, breath etc…) is going to be useful. This is because it leaves the mind with too much leeway, unless the concentration is very strong, which I would doubt is the case when one is depressed. Also the mind may not see the point of this, which makes engagement with the practice more difficult.

Whereas, the investigation which, I recommend, is a step by step practice which requires the mind to actually do, and see, each stage and then move on. This makes it more likely that the mind will be able to carry this out, especially if it has done many times before and gained the benefits of this. For then it will know the point of doing this and the previous engagement with this practice will have set a certain framework which is associated with this and into which the mind will tend to settle as the process is carried out.

Even if you are unable to do this when the first symptom of depression reoccurs, you can see that the more one becomes grounded (when one is not depressed) in this ‘investigation of experience’, which reveals that at the deepest level one is Pure Awareness, then the more likely it is that one will be able to utilize this to prevent depression setting in. You could even make a recording of this so that you could play it back if your mind is unable to enter the practice when the first symptom is noticed…

Another practice which you could try is yoga-nidra a guided relaxation which is amazingly powerful if carried out regularly. It is also a great ‘pick me up’ if one is ever feeling tired and wonderful to do in the middle of the day. I have been doing this ‘religiously’ every day (if it is at all possible) for 30 years and can attest to its ability to alter one’s mind state for the better. It does not matter how agitated, annoyed, distressed etc., I am when I lie down to do this, 25 mins later I am ‘born anew’ feeling refreshed and calm.

This especially gets more powerful as the mind gets used to doing it to the stage now that my body relaxes completely as soon as I hear the tape. Also, even if one falls asleep, or the mind seems to wander (during the practice) one still gets the benefits as it is performed subliminally … especially when one is used to, and comfortable, with it. Once again you would need to get established in this practice when not depressed before it would help…

Love, Colin

The ebooks of Colin Drake are available at www.nonduality.com/colindrake.htm

If you are interested in more articles, poems, or all formats (paperback, .pdf and epub) of books, including in the new book, The Happiness that Needs Nothing – Pointers to That which is Always Here , these may be found at  http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/ColinDrake. If you wish to purchase a book always check www.lulu.com for discounts/sale prices which Lulu is constantly offering.

Also all of my books are now available in Kindle format from www.amazon.com For more information and an enlarged profile visit www.amazon.com/author/colin_drake

And my interview with Conscious TV is viewable athttp://bcove.me/im07untp

To join my email group and receive (free) all new articles and poems as they are posted just email me at colin108@dodo.com.au

 


 

Miranda_Macpherson_portrait_web_size-1
Photo: Miranda MacPherson

From www.onethemagazine.com

Miranda MacPherson’s unique flavor of devotion and feminine love are featured in the current issue of One the Magazine. At the tender of thirteen, Miranda Macpherson experienced a classic dark night of the soul and was admitted into an adult psychiatric unit. There a spontaneous surrender occurred that opened to a ground of reality she calls “boundless love.” Years later, this realization deepened beyond measure while meditating in the cave of Ramana Maharshi in southern India. Here is an excerpt from her article, “Landing in Grace.”

” . . . Eventually in my despair, I reached such a point of exhaustion that a spontaneous surrender happened, and by nothing other than sheer grace, consciousness opened up to a ground of reality that I call “boundless love.” In that reality, everything that I had felt so disconnected from, all that I so needed and hadn’t been able to articulate, was awakening from within my own being. Within that direct experience was the understanding that love is my true nature. Love is the fundamental ground of everything, the fundamental depth of who I am and everyone and everything else is. I saw that this boundless love is a river of grace that exists underneath the appearances of life, and that the purpose of life is to find a way to live that love. It felt like being lifted above what had felt to me like the battlefield of human life. I realized that the real purpose of life is to remove the barriers to this awareness until it is a moment-to-moment experience.

One day on a visit to the south of India, I was meditating in a cave on the mountain where Ramana Maharshi had lived for many years. The cave was filled with a depth of silence. By that point I had been a serious meditator for twenty years, but something happened in that cave that was new for me spiritually. I had read about cessation—“no Self”—but had not fully tasted it until then. While sitting in Ramana’s cave, the mind dropped away into complete quiet, opening into a dimension of reality that was beyond self, beyond God, beyond any concept whatsoever. The usual sense of “I” disappeared; and different to the experience at thirteen, which was filled with light and boundless love, this was a dimension of reality that was like the vast black space of the galaxy, an experience of “no thing, no one, no self.”

Within the experience, I heard the following transmission that has been resounding ever since:

Be nothing. Do nothing. Get nothing. Become nothing.
Seek for nothing. Relinquish nothing. Be as are. Rest in God.

Complete stillness, alive with an unshakeable presence, it was an entry into no thing, no one, no self, no God. But it wasn’t a deficient, existential, or dry kind of emptiness, rather pure, infinite beingness. Eventually there was the sense of body, cave, sounds, and there was no problem with body, forms, or sounds. That was the most interesting thing about the state; that there was no problem with anything. Everything was absolutely fine, absolutely beautiful. Everything was just as it was.

The peace of this was beyond anything I could possibly put into words. All commentary dropped. It was is if the ego’s familiar “I” engine had stopped.

When this state came to its conclusion, because as we all know, states come and go, it was as though I was being pushed as a square peg through a round hole, with the clear knowing that what I had experienced now needed to be integrated. This marked the beginning of a huge phase of undoing . . .”

The rest of Miranda’s story can be found at www.onethemagazine.com (a subscription fee will be requested.)

#5241 – Nonduality Talk – Teal Swan

Edited by Jerry Katz

Why Nonduality? What does it mean to be nondual?
Nonduality Talk radio from July 23, 2014


Photo: Mary Jean in the middle, with friends

James Traverse and Mary Jean take a poignant, life-filled look at nondual consciousness from the disposition of experience, especially in nature, with the ocean, at the beach. This is a perfect conversation for people new to nonduality and trying to figure out what it’s all about.

We also talk about how conflict ridden and troublesome your life would be if an imposter acted on your behalf in every situation – even in your dreams! Is this the case now? Could it be that the most fundamental understanding of who or what the vast majority of human beings believe they are is false?

“The notion that all these fragments is separately existent is evidently an illusion, and this illusion cannot do other than lead to endless conflict and confusion. Indeed, the attempt to live according to the notion that the fragments are really separate is, in essence, what has led to the growing series of extremely urgent crises that is confronting us today. Thus, as is now well known, this way of life has brought about pollution, destruction of the balance of nature, over-population, world-wide economic and political disorder and the creation of an overall environment that is neither physically nor mentally healthy for most of the people who live in it. Individually there has developed a widespread feeling of helplessness and despair, in the face of what seems to be an overwhelming mass of disparate social forces, going beyond the control and even the comprehension of the human beings who are caught up in it.” ~ David Bohm, Wholeness and the Implicate Order, 1980

 


 

mandeepic1
photo by Mandee: Indian Pear (Serviceberry) from this Spring in Nova Scotia


 “Happiness doesn’t even touch the feet of authenticity.” … “Every person on earth has post-traumatic stress disorder.” – Teal Swan

Spirituality 2.0 (How to Set Yourself Free) – Teal Swan

At a certain point in our spiritual development, we are confronted with the fact that the very things that once liberated us are now the things that holds us prisoner. We realize that in wanting to feel better or think better, we are asking ourselves to feel and think and be different. We discover that by trying to feel better or think better, or be better, we are resisting ourselves. And then the whole game changes. We leave behind the desire for manifestation. We replace all wants for the want for oneness with ourselves. We stop wanting to heal because it no longer feels good to think that something about ourselves is broken. Instead, we begin to crave integration. The spiritual apex we begin to pursue is authenticity. Authenticity is an idea that appeals to us when we begin to live in the present moment. We fall in love with what is.

And so, we trade the practice of going in the direction of what we want and chasing our positive emotions for the practice of going the opposite direction. And we begin by dropping into our wounds. We spend our time being with those unpleasant emotions and sensations and feelings with a listening and caring ear. We are present with ourselves with absolutely no conditions. We do not want to change the way we feel. We do not want to make the negative sensations and feelings better. We simply give them the attention that we never gave them before, back when we were so busy running from them with numbing drugs and distraction and endless self help techniques. We stop arguing against them. We become present fully with them and by doing so, these aspects integrate into our being. We learn that the reason we suffer so badly from anything, is not because of the thing itself, but because of our resistance to it. We learn that when we no longer resist any aspect of our being, when we let ourselves fully feel our feelings and fully think our thoughts, and thus we let ourselves fully be ourselves in this very moment. As a result, we become whole.

Ask Teal Website – http://www.askteal.com

Kuan Yin’s Mantra (c) 2002 Lisa Thiel – used by permission http://www.sacreddream.com

#5240 – The Short Path to Enlightenment (Paul Brunton)

Edited by Jerry Katz

Photo: Paul Brunton

 

Mark Scorelle and Jeff Cox are the editors of The Short Path to Enlightenment: Instructions for Immediate Awakening, by Paul Brunton. In this interview they define nonduality and tell us about their journeys to nonduality. Then we talk about the book, Paul Brunton, the long path and short path to enlightenment, short path exercises, stabilizing the awakening, marks of a sage, and related topics.

Jeff Cox was the president of Snow Lion Publications for nearly 30 years, specializing in books by the Dalai Lama and Tibetan Buddhism. Snow Lion is now a part of Shambhala Publications which is headquarter right here in Halifax, nova scotia. Since retiring, Jeff now enjoys volunteering for the Paul Brunton Philosophic Foundation, and sharing more time with his wife and partner Christi.

Mark Scorelle came to the Non-Dual teachings through Eckhart Tolle in 2002. He has edited Advaita: The Truth of Non-Duality by V. Subrahmanya Iyer and of course the book we’re talking about in this interview. Mark has also written some articles such as The Cosmic Vision.

brunton

Larson Publications writes…

“. . . Read this book as you would a scripture or a sutra and let it open your eyes to eternity.” —Adyashanti

In transparent, jargon-free language, Paul Brunton makes truly accessible the essence of modern and traditional sudden-awakening teachings (Advaita, Zen, Dzogchen, Mahamudra, etc.). He calls them “Short Path” teachings: A simple recognition, a brief moment of grace, can make what seemed like a far-off spiritual goal actual here and now. The Short Path to Enlightenment abounds with inspiring, reliable pointers for how to cultivate these moments.

Includes:
How to move from the Long Path of spiritual disciplines to the Short Path of direct insight.
Short Path exercises.
Experiences that may occur.
Warnings.
Stages of realization.
Stabilizing the awakening.
The nature of lasting enlightenment.


 

Here are a couple quotes from The Short Path to Enlightenment:

The time will come when you will have to turn your back upon the Long Path in order to give full attention, the full energy and the full time, to the Short Path. For with this comes a new era when the whole concern is not with the ego, not with its improvement or betterment, but with the divine itself alone–not with the surface consciousness and all its little changes but with the very depths, the diviner depths where reality abides. At this point seek only the Higher Self, live only with positive thought, stay only for as long as you can with the holy silence within, feel only that inner stillness which belongs to the essence of consciousness. Henceforth you are not to become this or that, not to gather the various virtues, but simply to be. For this you do not have to strive, you do not have to think, you do not have to work with any form of yoga, with any method of meditation. (23-1-76)

It is all like a gigantic dream, with every human inserting his own private dream inside the public one. A double spell has to be broken before reality can be glimpsed–the spell which the world lays upon us and that which self lays upon us. The man who has completely awakened from this spell is the man who has gained complete insight. This faculty is nothing other than such full wakefulness. It is immensely difficult to attain, which is why so few of the dreamers ever wake up at all and why so many will not even listen to the revelations of the awakened ones. However, Nature teaches us here as elsewhere not to let patience break down. There is plenty of time in her bag. Life is an evolutionary process. Men will begin to stir in their sleep erratically but increasingly. (20-4-194)

The Short Path to Enlightenment: Instructions for Immediate Awakening, by Paul Brunton

#5239 – Paul Brunton, Meher Baba, James David Parker, Adi Da Samraj

Edited by Jerry Katz

Nonduality Talk Radio Info

Mark Scorelle & Jeff Cox on Paul Brunton | Meher Baba | James David Parker | Adi Da


brunton

Jeff Cox and Mark Scorelle will be my guests on Nonduality Talk Radio, Wednesday, July 16, on www.ckdu.ca at 12:30pm EST. We’re going to talk about their journeys to nonduality and mostly about the book they edited, The Short Path to Enlightenment: Instructions for Immediate Awakening, by Paul Brunton. I’ve read the book and it reads so beautifully. This book has been endorsed by Adyashanti and Gangaji. We’ll talk about the long path and short path to enlightenment, short path exercises, stabilizing the awakening, and related topics.

Jeff Cox was the president of Snow Lion Publications for nearly 30 years, specializing in books by the Dalai Lama and Tibetan Buddhism.  Snow Lion is now a part of Shambhala Publications. Since retiring, Jeff now enjoys volunteering for the Paul Brunton Philosophic Foundation, and sharing more time with his wife and partner Christi.

Mark Scorelle has had a lifelong interest in spirituality. He came to the Non-Dual teachings through Eckhart Tolle in 2002. He has edited Advaita: The Truth of Non-Duality by V. Subrahmanya Iyer and the book which is the basis the upcoming interview, The Short Path to Enlightenment: Instructions for Immediate Awakening, by Paul Brunton. Mark has also written some articles such as The Cosmic Vision


Meher Baba


 

James David Parker I’ll be interviewing James on Nonduality Talk Radio on August 28.


Adi Da Samraj Adi Da was, and even after his death still is, highly controversial, accused of all sorts of abuses to his followers, and mis-directing the best of teachings toward his own form and rigid institution. Yet the best was the best and here is some of it, with some quotes from this talk:

“Humor is the state. Creativity is the action.”

“The true inner happiness is free, so it has the capacity for life.”

“The true form of spiritual life is …. one in which we understand our present activity.”

“Re-cognition is the instrument where an ego and suffering are undone … true process is generated, the selfless fullness of one who lives in God becomes one’s condition. It is not different from one’s activity.”

“He is a process, not a thing, not a spearate one. He can’t find the separate one and he can’t find ‘that’ one either.”

“We imagine … that the self is somehow within.” “God is our condition.”

“The true realization of self is the realization that there is no self, not the finding of one. But it’s also not dismal, void, because when the principle of self is undone, God is realized. We are not lost in voidness, we are eternally found in divinity. And once that is discovered, who cares?”

“This radical enjoyment, that’s what it’s all about.”


NONDUALITY TALK RADIO
Produced and hosted by Jerry Katz
Broadcast on ckdu.ca on Wednesdays at 9:30am – 10:30am PST , 12:30pm – 1:30pm EST,  1:30pm – 2:30pm AST (Nova Scotia)
Check the Time Zone Converter to determine your local time.

UPCOMING SHOWS:
July 16, 2014 Mark Scorelle, speaking on Paul Brunton
July 23, 2014 Karine Lahaie, with James Traverse
July 30, 2014 Scott Kiloby, with co-host Lynn Fraser
August 6, 2014 Philip Shepherd, author of  New Self, New World: Recovering Our Senses in the 21st Century
August 13, 2014 Steve Ford, author of Walking Awake
August 20, 2014 Dr. Rita M. Gross, author of Religious Diversity What’s the Problem?: Buddhist Advice for Flourishing with Religious Diversity
August 28, 2014 James David Parker, magician, musician, teacher of nonduality.
September 3, 2014 Justin Forrest Miles, therapist, hiphop artist, writer
September 10, 2014 Donnalou Stevens, singer, songwriter, musician, former facilitator of Scott Kiloby’s inquiries.
September 17 To be announced
September 24 To be Announced
October 1 David Newman (Durga Das), kirtan chant artist, sacred singer/songwriter, practioner and educator of Bhakti Yoga, author of The Timebound Traveler  (Non-Duality Press)

#5238 – The Incredible String Band – Anais Nin – Mary Oliver

Edited by Jerry Katz

The Incredible String Band
Anais Nin
Mary Oliver

Mark Hovila from Seattle Nonduality Dialogues posted this lyric and video from…

The Incredible String Band: “Douglas Traherne Harding”

When I was born I had no head
My eye was single and my body was filled with light
And the light that I was, was the light that I saw by
And the light that I saw by, was the light that I was

One light, light that is one though the lamps be many
One light, light that is one though the lamps be many

And many’s the time that I crossed the river
And saw no tollman and I needed no ferryman to cross
And I enjoyed the world aright
For the sea itself floweth
And warm I was and crowned.

One day walking towards the river
I saw a tollman with an angry face
And many’s the time that I passed his tollgate
And I paid no silver and I paid no fee
Rather I did hide my sheep and goats under the bags of oatmeal
And cold I was, no crown did I wear

But if you’re walking down the street
Why don’t you look down to the basement
For sitting very quietly there is a man who has no head
His eye is single and his whole body also is filled with light

One light, light that is one though the lamps be many
One light, light that is one though the lamps be many

And as he sits there, so he will walk all among you
And the streets are his and all the people
And even the temples and the whole world

And many’s the time that he walks to the river
And seeing the tollman and seeing the ferryman
The light within him leaps to greet them
For he sees that their faces are none but his own

One light, light that is one though the lamps be many
One light, light that is one though the lamps be many

You’ll never enjoy the world aright
“Till the sea itself floweth
In your veins till you are clothed
With the heavens and crowned with the stars”

You’ll never enjoy the world aright
“Till the sea itself floweth
In your vein till you are clothed
With the heavens and crowned with the stars”


 

From http://realitysandwich.com/220748/now-i-know-why-fairy-tales-are-full-of-jewels-anais-nins-1955-lsd-trip-report/

“Now I know why fairy tales are full of jewels.” Anais Nin’s 1955 LSD Trip Report
Jeremy D. Johnson

anaisnin
photo: Anais Nin

Many know Anais Nin for her breathtaking, erotically charged novels, and who Maria Popova described as “modern history’s most dedicated diarist.” Few know that in 1955, she took LSD and wrote a beautiful and detailed diary entry about it. Today of course, we call it a trip report.

Hat tip to /r/Psychonaut and user veragood over at Reddit, here is the 1955 entry, in full:

I had just read Aldous Huxley’s The Doors of Perception but it did not impress me as much as Gil Henderson’s talk about the visionary effects of LSD. He had participated in an experiment Dr. Oscar Janiger. He painted an American Indian doll before taking LSD and then again after the ingestion of the drug, and the difference between them was astonishing. The first version was rigid and photographic. The second impressionistic, emotional. Gil asked me if I wanted to participate in an experiment because Dr. Janiger was hoping a writer would be more articulate about the experience. There were to be two other subjects there, a biologist from UCLA and another painter. Gil would be my sober pilot, that is, a person who has taken LSD and now stands by to help one and guide one if necessary.

It seemed strange to be coming to a psychiatrist’s office for such an adventure. Dr. Janiger took Gil and me into his private office, which was lined with books and very dark. I had little time to form an impression of him, for he immediately dispensed a number of blue pills, five or eight, I do not remember, with a glass of water. The he conducted us to the waiting room, where the biologist sat already with a pad on his knee, pen in hand.

At first nothing appeared unchanged. But after a while, perhaps twenty minutes, I noticed first of all that the rug was no longer flat and lifeless, but had become a field of stirring and undulating hairs, much like the movement of the sea anemone or a field of wheat in the wind. Then I noticed that doors, walls, and windows were liquefying. All rigidities disappeared. It was as if I had been plunged to the bottom of the sea, and everything had become undulating and wavering. The door knobs were no longer door knobs, they melted and undulated like living serpents. Every object in the room became a living, mobile breathing world. I walked away, into a hallway opening into several small rooms. On the way there was a door leading to the garden. Gil opened it. The dazzle of the sun was blinding, every speck of gold multiplied and magnified. Trees, clouds, lawns heaved and undulated too, the clouds flying at tremendous speed. I ceased looking at the garden because on the plain door now appeared the most delicate Persian designs, flowers, mandalas, patterns in perfect symmetry. As I designed them they produced their matching music. When I drew a long orange line, it emitted its own orange tone. My body was both swimming and flying. I felt gay and at ease and playful.

There was perfect connection between my body and everything that was happening. For example, the colors in the designs gave me pleasure, as well as the music. The singing of mocking birds was multiplied, and became a whole forest of singing birds. My senses were multiplied as if I had a hundred eyes, a hundred ears, a hundred fingertips. The murals which appeared were perfect, they were Oriental, fragile, and complete, but then they became actual Oriental cities, with pagodas, temples, rich Chinese gold and red altars, and Balinese music. The music vibrated through my body as I were one of the instruments and I felt myself becoming a full percussion orchestra, becoming green, blue, orange. The waves of the sounds ran through my hair like a caress. The music ran down my back and came out of my fingertips. I was a cascade of red-blue rainfall, a rainbow. I was small, light, mobile. I could use any method of levitation I wished. I could dissolve, melt, float, soar. Wavelets of light touched the rim of my clothes, phosphorescent radiations.

I could see a new world with my middle eye, a world I had missed before. I caught images behind images, the walls behind the sky, the sky behind the infinite. The walls became fountains, the fountains became arches, the domes skies, the sky a flowering carpet, and all dissolved into pure space. I looked at a slender line curving out into space which disappeared into infinity. I saw a million zeros on this line, curving, shrinking in the distance, and I laughed and said: “Excuse me, I am not a mathematician. How can I measure the infinite?” To Dr. Janiger, who was passing by, I said: “Without being a mathematician I understood the infinite.” He did not seem impressed. I saw his face as a Picasso, with a slight asymmetry. It seemed to me that one of his eyes was larger, and this eye was prying into my experience, and I turned away. Gil was sometimes there, but now I became aware that he was a child, that he had a big round face with a grin.

Now I was standing on the rim of a planet, alone. I could hear the fast rushing sound of the planets rotating in space. Then I was moving among them and I realized a certain skill would be necessary to handle this new means of transportation. The image of myself standing in space and trying to get my “space legs” amused me. I wondered who had been there before me and whether I would return to earth. The solitude distressed me and for the first time, the sense of distance, so I asked Gil very vehemently: “Are you sure that I will find my way back?” Gil answered reasonably: “Of course, I found my way back. I’m here.” He asked if there was anything I wanted, a glass of water or a sandwich. I answered: “I want a pagoda.” And after a while I added: “I realize this is an unreasonable request.”

I returned to my starting point. I was standing in front of an ugly door, but as I looked closer it was not plain or green but it was a Buddhist temple, a Hindu column, a Moroccan ceiling, gold spires being formed and re-formed as if I were watching the hand of a designer at work. I was designing red spirals which unfurled until they formed a rose window or a mandala with edges of radium. As each design was born and arranged itself, it dissolved and the next one followed with confusion. Each form, each line emitted its equivalent in music in perfect accord with the design. An undulating line emitted music in perfect accord with the design. An undulating line emitted a sustaining undulating melody, a circle had corresponding musical notations, diaphanous colors, diaphanous sounds, a pyramid of ascending notes, and vanishing ones left only an echo. The designs were preparatory sketches for entire Oriental cities. I saw the temples of Java, Kashmir, Nepal, Ceylon, Burma, Cambodia, in all the colors of precious stones illumined from within. Then the outer forms of the temples dissolved to reveal the inner chapels and shrines. The reds and golds inside the temples created an intricate musical orchestration like Balinese music. Two sensations began to torment me: one that it was happening too quickly and that I would not be able to remember it, another that I would not be able to tell what I saw, it was too elusive and too overwhelming. The temples grew taller, the music wilder, it became a tidal wave of sounds with gongs and bells predominating. Gold spires emitted a long flute chant. Every line and color was constantly breathing and mutating.

It was then I began to experience difficulties in breathing. I felt immensely cold, and very small in my cape, as if I had undergone an Alice in Wonderland metamorphosis. I told Gil I could not breathe, and he took me to the doctor. The doctor calmed me with his words. I had asked for oxygen. He suggested I lie down and cover myself well. Gil was seated near me, grinning. I asked him if he had had difficulties breathing. I still had the impression that I had been among the planets. I remembered the illustration from Saint-Exupery’s Little Prince, the child standing all alone on the edge of the planet. I lay down and covered myself. I looked at the curtains of the room and they turned to a gauzy gold. The whole room became filled with gold, as if by a strong sun. The walls turned to gold, the bedcover was gold, my whole body was becoming gold, liquid gold, scintillating, warm gold. I was GOLD. It was the most pleasurable sensation I had ever known, like an orgasm. It was the secret of life, the alchemist’s secret of life. From the feeling of intense cold, as if I were chloroformed, of loss of gravity of the legs, and diminution in size, I passed to the sensation of being gold.

Suddenly I was weeping, weeping. I could feel the tears and I saw the handkerchief in my hand. Weeping to the point of dissolution. Why should I be weeping? I could see Gil smiling, and realized the absurdity of weeping when traveling through space. As soon as the concept of absurdity struck me, the comic spirit appeared again. It was another Anaïs, not the one which was lying down weeping, but a small, gay, light Anaïs, very lively, very restless and mobile. The comic spirit of Anaïs was aware of Gil’s predicament: “Poor Gil, you are out with an ordinary weepy female! What a ridiculous thing to spoil a voyage through space by weeping. But before we go on, I want to explain to you why women weep: IT IS THE QUICKEST WAY TO REJOIN THE OCEAN. You liquefy, become fluid, flow back into the ocean where the colors are more beautiful.” The comic spirit of Anaïs shook herself jauntily and said: “Let’s stop this weeping. Everything is more wonderful under water (than in space?). It is alive and it breathes.” Space was lonely, and empty, a vast desert. After the feeling of GOLD I had a feeling of danger. My world is so beautiful, so beautiful, but so fragile. I was pleading for protection of this evanescent beauty. I thought I was the quickest mind alive and the quickest with words, but words cannot catch up with these transformations, metamorphoses. They are beyond words, beyond words. The Oriental cities vanished and the infinite appeared again, but now it was bordered on each side by the celestial gardens of precious stones on silver and gold stems. Temptation not to pursue the infinite, but to enjoy the gardens. Space is definitely without sensuous appeal.

The comic spirit of Anaïs stood aside and laughed at so much Russian-opera extravaganza. But the other Anaïs maintained her pose as a Balinese dancer with legs slightly bent, the tips of the fingers meeting in a symbolic gesture of pleading.

I watched a shoreline of gold waves breaking into solid gold powder and becoming gold foam, and gold hair, shimmering and trembling with gold delights. I felt I could capture the secret of life because the secret of life was metamorphosis and transmutation, but it happened too quickly and was beyond word. Comic spirit of Anaïs mocks words and herself. Ah, I cannot capture the secret of life with WORDS.

Sadness.

The secret of life was BREATH. That was what I always wanted words to do, to BREATHE. Comic spirit of Anaïs rises, shakes herself within her cape, gaily, irresponsibly, surrenders to the mystery of life.

Now I know why fairy tales are full of jewels.
Thanks again to @veragood over at /r/Psychonaut: “LSD Trip Report of the writer Anais Nin, 1955“


 

Paul Frost posted on Facebook:

The Old Poets of China

by Mary Oliver

Wherever I am, the world comes after me.
It offers me its busyness. It does not believe
that I do not want it. Now I understand
why the old poets of China went so far and high
into the mountains, then crept into the pale mist.

maryoliver